I have a confession: I used to weaponise incompetence.
Not the performance of helplessness that we typically associate with this term – but something perhaps more insidious. I weaponised my competence to control situations, to be needed, to be the martyr who “just does everything better anyway.”
This isn’t the weaponized incompetence post you were expecting. But maybe it’s the one we need.
Beyond the Obvious
Let’s start with Melissa and Jake, who landed in front of me after 12 years of marriage. The presenting issue? Classic weaponised incompetence – Jake “couldn’t” load the dishwasher correctly or remember school events.
The typical narrative stops here: Jake is the villain, Melissa the victim, case closed.
But as we dug deeper, something unexpected emerged. Jake’s “incompetence” had become the only space where he felt he could safely fail in their relationship. His actual attempts at equal participation had been gradually corrected, improved upon, or subtly redone until he got the message: do it perfectly or don’t do it at all.
This isn’t to excuse genuine shirking. But it is to say that weaponised incompetence rarely exists in isolation. It thrives in relational ecosystems where perfectionism, control issues, and communication failures create the perfect storm.
The Dance Nobody Talks About
What makes weaponised incompetence so damaging isn’t just the behavior itself but the obscured power dynamics beneath it:
- The Control Paradox: The partner performing incompetence gains freedom from responsibility, while the competent partner gains moral superiority and decision-making authority. Both are forms of control; neither is particularly healthy.
- The Competence Trap: Once you’ve established yourself as the resident expert in any domain, good luck ever getting a break. You’ve essentially told your partner their contributions aren’t good enough.
- The Diminishing Returns: The more you do for someone, the less they believe they can do for themselves. This isn’t just annoying – it’s infantilising both of you.
The Question Nobody Asks
Here’s what you won’t hear in most discussions about weaponised incompetence:
What are you getting out of this arrangement?
Before you dismiss this as victim-blaming, consider: All relationship patterns persist because they serve some function for both parties.
For many “competent” partners I’ve worked with, the answer includes:
- A sense of indispensability
- Evidence of their partner’s failings they can reference in arguments
- Reinforcement of their identity as the responsible, capable one
- An excuse to keep emotional intimacy at bay (“I’m too busy doing everything”)
Breaking the Pattern
Creating real change requires both partners to step into uncomfortable territory:
- For the “incompetent” partner: Stop waiting to be told what to do. The mental load argument works both ways – you also have the capacity to see what needs doing. Choose discomfort over irresponsibility.
- For the “competent” partner: Let go of perfect. Accept the possibility that there are multiple correct ways to load a dishwasher, fold laundry, or parent a child. Choose connection over control.
- For both: Recognise that changing this dynamic will feel wrong before it feels right. Your nervous systems have adapted to your current arrangement. New patterns will trigger resistance, even when they’re healthier.
When Things Don’t Change
Sometimes these patterns are too entrenched to shift. Here are the signs you’re dealing with something beyond repair:
- Contempt has become the dominant emotional tone
- Requests for change are met with punishment or passive aggression
- One partner shows genuine growth while the other doubles down
- The power imbalance has created an irreparable respect deficit
In these cases, separation isn’t failure – it’s recognition that some relationship patterns have expiration dates.
A Different Way Forward
What’s the alternative to the incompetence-competence dance? Partnership that acknowledges human limitation without exploiting it.
In healthy relationships, incompetence isn’t weaponised – it’s normalised. Partners can say “I struggle with this” without it becoming permission to check out. Competence isn’t lorded over others but shared generously and without resentment.
The most mature relationships I witness have partners who understand: Sometimes I carry you, sometimes you carry me, but neither of us gets comfortable being carried all the time.
If this challenged your thinking, join us at Over It Club where we’re having conversations that go beyond the obvious relationship advice. Because getting over patterns doesn’t happen by following the same old scripts – it happens when we’re willing to look at the uncomfortable truths about ourselves.
👉 Book a session here – The first one’s free. No pressure. Just space.
