You Thought It Was Miscommunication. It Was Actually Disrespect.

I once had a client who spent six months in couples therapy working on “communication issues.” They diligently practiced I-statements, active listening, and emotional validation. They recorded conversations to analyse where signals got crossed.

And yet, nothing changed.

Why? Because they weren’t having a miscommunication problem. They were having a respect problem masquerading as miscommunication.

The Convenient Confusion

Let’s be honest: labeling something “miscommunication” is comforting. It suggests a technical glitch rather than a character issue. It implies that with better words, clearer delivery, or different timing, you’d finally be heard, understood, valued.

Sometimes that’s true. But often, it’s a comforting fiction.

Consider Alex, who came to me post-divorce, bewildered by how their seven-year relationship collapsed “out of nowhere.”

“We just couldn’t communicate about finances,” they explained.

As we unpacked what “couldn’t communicate” meant, something striking emerged. Alex had clearly communicated their financial boundaries dozens of times. Their partner had nodded along, agreed to budgets, promised change.

And then consistently violated every agreement they made.

This wasn’t miscommunication. Alex’s words weren’t ambiguous. Their requests weren’t unreasonable. Their partner wasn’t confused.

Their partner simply didn’t respect Alex’s boundaries enough to honor them.

Beyond “They Just Don’t Get It”

We’ve been collectively gaslit into believing that if someone repeatedly violates our expressed boundaries, we just need to find better words. More precise language. A different approach.

But consider a radical alternative: What if they understand you perfectly?

What if the issue isn’t comprehension but prioritization?

Signs you’re dealing with disrespect rather than miscommunication:

1. The selective understanding phenomenon – They perfectly grasp complex concepts in work, hobbies, or with others, yet “can’t understand” your straightforward requests
2. Weaponized incomprehension – The infamous “I don’t know what you want from me” when what you want has been clearly articulated multiple times
3. The amnesia pattern – “You never told me that” about boundaries you’ve consistently communicated, often with their explicit agreement
4. Moving targets – No matter how you adjust your communication, the “misunderstanding” persists in new forms

The Uncomfortable Mirror

Here comes the part nobody wants to talk about: Sometimes we prefer the narrative of miscommunication because facing disrespect requires harder choices.

If it’s just miscommunication, we can fix it with a new communication technique. If it’s disrespect, we have to face questions about the fundamental viability of the relationship.

I’ve watched clients cling to the miscommunication explanation long past its expiration date because the alternative forces a reckoning they’re not ready for.

And if I’m being completely honest? I did the same in my own past relationship. I became a self-improvement junkie, obsessively consuming communication books, convinced that if I just found the magic combination of words, timing, and tone, I would finally be respected.

The breakthrough came when I realised: people who respect you make an effort to understand you, even when you communicate imperfectly.

The Respect Test

How do you know if you’re dealing with miscommunication or disrespect? Apply these filters:

1. The clarity experiment – Write down exactly what you need, as specifically as possible. Present it without emotion or accusation. Has anything changed after three clear articulations?
2. The priorities check – Do they demonstrate understanding in areas they value? Do work emails get responses while your texts are ignored? Do they remember sports statistics but forget your important events?
3. The effort evaluation – Are they actively working to better understand you? Do they ask clarifying questions? Take notes? Follow up?
4. The consistency factor – When they do understand, do things actually change consistently, or just temporarily when you’re at your breaking point?

When It’s Actually Miscommunication

In fairness, genuine miscommunication does happen. Some markers of authentic communication issues:

• Both partners experience the frustration of not being understood
• When clarity is achieved, behavior changes consistently
• There are cultural, neurodevelopmental, or background differences creating genuine interpretation gaps
• The misunderstandings occur across multiple relationship domains, not just around your needs

The Path Forward

If you’ve determined you’re dealing with disrespect disguised as miscommunication, your options are stark but clear:

1. Accept reality – Stop the exhausting cycle of explaining, justifying, and hoping. The issue isn’t that they don’t understand; it’s that understanding you isn’t a priority.
2. Set concrete consequences – Not threats, but clear outcomes that you will enact when boundaries are crossed. Follow through every time.
3. Recalibrate investment – Match your emotional investment to their demonstrated respect level. Stop overgiving to someone who consistently undervalues you.
4. Consider the nuclear option – Some respect deficits can’t be bridged. If central needs remain unmet after clear communication and consequences, it may be time to walk away.

A Final Truth

The hardest relationships to leave aren’t the ones where you’re being obviously mistreated. They’re the ones where you’re being subtly disrespected while simultaneously being told it’s just a communication issue.

You find yourself thinking: “If they could just understand how I feel…” while ignoring the more painful question: “What if they understand perfectly and simply don’t care enough to act on it?”

The most liberating realisation for many of my clients comes when they finally accept: They heard you. They understood you. They just didn’t respect you enough to honor what they heard.

That clarity, painful as it is, is the first step toward either genuine change or necessary endings.

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If this hit a nerve, join us at Over It Club where we’re cutting through relationship confusion with uncomfortable clarity. Because moving forward doesn’t happen through communication techniques alone – it happens when we’re honest about what we’re really facing.

👉 Book a session here The first one’s free. No pressure. Just space to look at what’s really happening.